No one ever burned me with cigarette butts or locked me in a closet for hours or days. I was fed and clothed. Whenever a therapist or some other expert said “trauma,” I passed it off.

“Trauma” didn’t apply to me.

—Not so fast—

Three things happened, and they all sort of pushed or pulled me.

First: Hearing Gabor Maté speak on Mel Robbins’ podcast motivated me to hear more. I listened to Maté on Joe Rogan, This Past Weekend with Theo Von, and Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett. (If you’re looking for one to listen to, I’d say any except Rogan, who spent a lot of time on psychedelics. Robbins and Bartlett are the most clinical; Maté delves the deepest into the psyche of the host with Von.)

It was a revelation that trauma from my parents (or grandparents!) could be passed to me—not just emotionally, but also physically.

For example, if my pregnant mother was stressed, with higher cortisol levels, I would be born with higher cortisol levels and these would stimulate my brain to develop extra sensitivities, to be extra vigilant. Anxious.

Also, babies in the womb know if they’re not wanted.

Hmm. As a child (and teenager, and adult), I took the stand-on-my-head-to-make-them-love-me approach. Decades later, both parents told me (separately) they didn’t want me. Shooting the words, Dad said, “I never wanted children. Never.” When I asked my mom if she wanted me she said, “Yes. I thought you could save our marriage.”

Then: Carolyn, one of the dear readers of these Sunday notes, emailed her recommendation of two books: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson, and It Didn’t Start with You, by Mark Wolynn.

From the second book: “The mother’s emotions, such as fear, anger, love, hope among others, can biochemically alter the genetic expression of her offspring…. Chronic or repetitive emotions like anger and fear can imprint her child, essentially preparing or ‘preprograming’ how the child will adapt to its environment.”

From the first book: Gibson describes four types of emotionally immature parents: Emotional, Driven, Passive, and Rejecting. (I had one Emotional and one Rejecting.) Line that hit the hardest: “Children who try to be good enough to win their parent’s love have no way of knowing that unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior.”

And Then: I started doing a meditation on InsightTimer: Multi-Generational Healing, by LunaHolistic, to deal with the inherited family trauma. My plan was to do this meditation on my two parents, four grandparents, and any great-grandparents I’d heard about. The recommendation is to start with the generation furthest away, then come in closer.

I made it through three meditations: great-grandfather, grandfather, and great-grandmother. Since I can’t find my notes on the first two meditations (razzlefratz!), we’ll start with the third, my paternal great-grandmother, Emilie Folda.

It will be good to start with the woman who lived in the shadow of her husband, a shadow that fell on her daughter, grandson, and great-granddaughter.

PS: It feels weird writing so profusely about this when so many (most of us?) have some form of trauma. I’m doing this hoping that me honoring my trauma helps you honor yours. For all of us, and especially for those of you who suffered so much more, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that, you never deserved that. You deserved to be held and loved and cherished. Always.

Chewing the Cud of Good

Thankful for my good buddies, who make my heart fill with happiness when I see them.