When I think of Emilie Folda, I think of her tombstone.

The only photo I saw of her is not even of her. My grandmother, a child, looks so small next to the massive stone. How sad she looks in her best clothes and immense incongruous hat, dwarfed by the towering plinth.

The photo I saw wasn’t this one, it was a photo taken by the person they’re looking at. That photo was about them. This one is about the tombstone. Only years later did I think about how much it must have cost.

The InsightTimer meditation to heal inherited family trauma walks the meditator through four questions, to ask and answer in an imagined conversation with the ancestor. These are the questions I asked Emilie Folda and the answers.

Q: What was your soul wound?

To believe that I deserved to take up space on the planet, to breathe fully and deeply. To deserve to be and to be myself (not just Mrs. Folda or someone’s daughter). To make my own mark, to have what I love valued.

Q: What strength did you pass on to me?

An appreciation of beauty. Yes, of the natural world but even more, beautiful things made by the human hand. Art and craftsmanship.

Q: What is my physical gift to you?

A glowing glass orb, pearl colored, the size of a large orange or small grapefruit, perfect.

Q: What is your physical gift to me?

A pair of earrings, small, garnet, Czech-made.

After the meditation, I wondered about the earrings that had been my grandmother’s, passed down to me. Did they belong to Emilie first?

Emilie (Peshek) Folda, paternal great-grandmother

Born 1875, Nebraska. Married, 1893 (age 18) to Emil Folda. Gave birth to son Albin Folda, 1894 (age 19). Gave birth to Laura Folda (my grandmother), 1898 (age 22). Died 1904 (age 28), of pneumonia, Nebraska.

PS: Usually, before I write about things, I think about them—analyze, then synthesize. With this topic, I’m still in the analysis phase. I’m not yet able to synthesize. That means things might, for a time, feel jumbled and inconclusive. Messy. On the upside, it’s a real-time peek inside my brain/body, and it might be helpful to your brain/body.

PPS: When I worked in Arthur Andersen’s education department, they sent me to Atlanta to ‘drain the brain’ of one of Andersen’s best analysts. This line of business (LOB) wanted to replicate his skill in every one of their consultants. The analyst’s name was Reuben Bolling. Together we mapped out his analysis process, as I peppered him with questions and he responded in a long southern drawl. We drank Coke instead of coffee, even when we met at 8am. When Reuben and I finished, every consultant in that LOB received a laminated card of the process. The flowchart includes a step called ‘Wallow in the Data.’

PPPS: Reuben pronounced it “waller in the data.”

Chewing the Cud of Good

Thankful for birdsong.