Strong vs. Safe

I have erred on the side of safe. In my life, when I made certain choices. In my posture, when I turned in and down to shelter myself. In my approach to money, when I sought to construct a thick wall between me and the bag lady future I feared. But I’ve realized that it is not possible to be safe enough. Aside from safety being an illusion, there is no wall I can build that is tall enough and thick enough to protect me.

However, if I take an alternate approach, where I focus on making myself observant and strong and resilient, then I don’t need to fear what’s coming. I can handle it. I don’t need to worry about the nebulous future. I can handle it. I can walk freely in the present and handle what happens as it shows up.

This realization came from the changes I am making in my posture. Before I walk, I complete my pre-walk checklist:

  • Tuck shoulders (into back pockets)
  • Open heart
  • Engage core
  • Relax hips
  • Release toes

This posture allows me to move freely. It makes me present. Bringing this freedom into my body has brought freedom into my mind. I like moving freely, knowing I can handle what comes up. I can handle it because I always have. Sometimes with more or less grace, but I’m still walking, still moving forward.

Chewing the Cud of Good

Tulips growing in a glass jar

A friend gave me tulips in a glass jar. After they had bloomed and were spent, I saved the jar, bought tulip bulbs, and put the bulbs in the refrigerator so they would think it was cold outside. After four months in the fridge, I put the bulbs in the jar and added water. The bulbs came to life!

4 thoughts on “Strong vs. Safe”

  1. I can handle it. Why is it so hard to believe it? Even if I believe it my body doesn’t. It only remembers the moment when I couldn’t handle it and was left alone with the feeling. When I didn’t have the skills yet. My body lives the present as though that moment long time ago is the reality. It protects me in case it will happen again. When I finally find the feeling hidden in my body and feel it, my body doesn’t need to protect me anymore. I’m free. I can handle it. My body believes it too.

    1. Anna, yes, we remember the moment we couldn’t, and it sticks. I am happy you continue on this voyage of self-learning and self-loving. Have you read, “The Body Keeps the Score?” I have not because I thought it might be too much looking back again, but maybe it’s time.

  2. I have, it’s a powerful book. Though it didn’t cover the Rosen Method Bodywork, one of the most important methods of healing from trauma 🙂

    1. Anna, you’re piquing my interest in the Rosen Method.
      Also, I’ve been thinking more about “the moment when I couldn’t handle it.” What I think now is that we did handle it, the best we could. We shouldn’t have needed to handle it, but it was necessary. And we did it. We did it with the skills we had then. Now, there is healing and work and forgiveness and the strength of knowing who I am now is not who I was then. Big Jule has gained skills that Little Jule didn’t have, and wasn’t supposed to need.

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