I never want to pretend to you to be something I’m not. Last year, during my great GOADS (Get Out And Do Stuff) experiment, I made big plans. I would African dance every Saturday morning! Contra dance every other Monday night! Pickleball during the week!
As of now, I am doing none of them.
What happened?
The same thing that happens to New Year’s resolutions. I tried to change too much at once.
Contra dance was the first to fall by the wayside. As the days got shorter, I drove home in the dark, with the surprising and frustrating realization that I didn’t see very well at night anymore. After a few nighttime test runs to more familiar places (e.g., the grocery store), I’ve decided it’s safest for me to drive in daylight or twilight, but avoid the dark of night. Bummer, man.
My shoulder and my ignorance of my body made me stop pickleball. I wasn’t warming up before playing or practicing. A repetitive stress injury that made it difficult to get dressed in the morning was the result. Instead, I switched over to shoulder rehabilitation exercises and can finally raise my hand above my head without pain.
As for African dance, the last time I went, I got vertigo and ended up sinking to my knees and crawling off the dance floor. I know why it happened. The kids (the other students in the class are all eight-years-old) were acting out and the substitute teacher finally commanded, “Everybody lie down on the floor. Now!” I dropped to the floor, wanting to be a good role model, wanting to show my respect for the teacher’s authority.
Well, a few minutes of being horizontal without a pillow under my head meant that when I stood up and took a few steps with my hands over my head, the floor spun up toward the ceiling. (If you’re thinking it might be orthostatic hypotension, it wasn’t. They feel different, even though the result is similar. Also, orthostatic hypotension goes away when you sit down. Vertigo doesn’t.)
Since the shoulder is better for pickleball and I know not to lie on the floor during dance class, I could go back and do both, but I haven’t.
Why not?
Because I am tired all the time.
How tired? I was going to bed at 10:30PM, waking up at 8:00AM, eating some breakfast, feeling sleepy, going back to bed, and waking up again at 10:30 or 11:00AM.
I’m finally able to stay awake through the morning but still need an afternoon nap. I don’t know if it’s the lingering effects of Christmas Covid or related to my thyroid (I don’t have one) medication, but something’s off. The doctor’s appointment I’ve been waiting weeks for is tomorrow. Wish us luck getting this figured out.
There you have it. I made plans and fell short. As we all do. But we get up, figure out a better plan, and have another go.
Now, my plan doesn’t include dance or pickleball, just a short walk every morning. Twenty or thirty minutes, easy pace, that’s all.
It feels good (and then I need a rest).
Is This Love?
Now that the refreshed Sweet Baby Lover is out in the world, I’ve been cleaning digital house and came across something I wrote back when Trent was alive. G. was a friend at work who was striking out at dating. I had just given notice that I was leaving my job to go live in Michigan with Trent. She came into my office and said, “I’m happy for you and I’m jealous. I’m not even sure I know what love is.”
Because I wanted her to know and because I didn’t want to forget, I wrote Is This Love? and gave it to her on my way out, in 2005. The epilogue got added in 2009.
If you’d like to read it, here’s Is This Love?
Chewing the Cud of Good
I saw my doctor this morning. Thankful that she listened to me and didn’t make me feel like it was all in my head. She thinks the lethargy is related to my thyroid medication but she’s running a bunch of blood tests to rule out other causes. I am grateful for quality medical care that is care, not just treatment.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I often wonder how people my age can get so much done in a day and lead interesting lives that require ambition and energy whereas I give myself a pat on the back just for getting dressed by 10:00 am.
Thank you for coming clean.
Glad clean was helpful. Vulnerability tends to work that way, but it’s hard.